Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Randomize
