His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
