I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
