Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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