the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
