I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Randomize
