is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Randomize
