i wish there were pregnant emoticons
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
