He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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