I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
