planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
