You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
NoShamevember. You game?
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
