my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
