Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
