they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
BRING THE BAGELS
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
