I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
