I wish I only lived at night.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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