Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
