My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
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