I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Randomize
