I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Randomize
