can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
