I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
