one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
