I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
