You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
and she was petting her beer can
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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