i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
