he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Randomize
