Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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