I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
