The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
