you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
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