Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I need a hoe opinion
go on
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize