he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
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