I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
