I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
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