i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
