Why is your signature on my underwear?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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