I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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