my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
This is classic penis vs brain.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
