I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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