i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I need water and some morals
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
