He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I lost the right to judge tonight
did i just pee glitter
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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