A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
