I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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