you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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