i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
