There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
