I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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