I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize