Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
