$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
