I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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