you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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