Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
