worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
