Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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