Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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