I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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