if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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