I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Randomize
